B'day Ruminations!

 "Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be; that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing." - Seinfeld

Here is my analysis of "me" this year -

• Am a lot more dependent on others than I would like to be.
• I love "solitary time" - a day or two in a month.
• I prefer brunches to late night parties.
• I like writing - more than I thought I liked initially.
• I am now officially a red-wine gal.
• I hate nagging, my hubby forces me to - but I do not enjoy it.
• I day-dream a lot - could be in front of you, nodding my head, but not registering a word you say!
• Love the idea of travel more than the travel itself.
• Live my life loving the retrospect and not usually liking the present!
• My rate of hoarding books far exceeds the pace of my reading.
• Love the lazy sunday afternoon introspection time - lying in bed with a book but not really reading, but pondering about life in general before falling into a nice slumber. 
• I love talking about myself/my life more than anything else.

'From the Eye of my mind'

'From the eye of my mind' by TGC Prasad is a book with the protagonist being an 18 year old autistic girl. It is a charming story of love,acceptance and of a beautiful mind.Reading a book like this does make one question one s problem in the scheme of things in the world. I wonder if I can remember every time I am angry, this lesson of acceptance and adapting to the loved ones around you.

I recently attended the India Inclusion Summit held in Bangalore and was moved by the speeches by some eminent personalities. Kaushik Roy,an advertising professional spoke about his movie 'Apna Aasman' and how he came to terms with his son being special. I watched the full movie recently and it is beautiful. Movies like this and books like 'From the eye of my mind' are very important to spread awareness about Autism and will go a long way in ensuring social acceptance for the special kids and their families.

Read the book, watch the movie and spread the awareness. Come on do your bit!

Insignifia!

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar.

Even after supposedly being settled in life, I still am clueless about what I want from life and have many of the figs that Slyvia Plath talks about.Also with each passing year they are withering away. As a child I wanted to be a psychiatrist and I recall having written a poem about it in class 7.Then later an uncle, who is an astrologer, told me I'll make a good lawyer after seeing my horoscope.I decided then if my stars have destined me to be a lawyer I should try to become one. AllyMcBeal , the show about a corporate lawyer further fuelled this dream.And then came class 12 and I ended up taking exams for many streams -law,engineering,arts,management . After this I guess I stopped worrying about what I want and went with the flow and here I am now a software engineer, not sure if this was even a fig that I wanted.

I am always in a dilemma whether letting things be and going with the flow is a sign of mediocrity-settling for the 'ordinary' or is this what people call stability and inner peace? I can't say I have a burning ambition to be extraordinary, but if I did have some such skills now would be a good time to know it:)

On-site @ home

I often feel like being alone and have been a "non-implementer preacher of the ME time". I crave for some time alone but the me time in practice is less intriguing than the idea of it. Its fun to have me time when you know company is just across the hall or a room away.

This month for me is a time to test my theory and decide once and for all whether I am a comfortable introvert who can spend time with oneself and still enjoy it or am I always craving for company? My hubby isn't in the country nor are my parents and I have decided to spend a month alone and decide whether I like it or not. I intend to consider it as an on-site trip at home!

I took a quiz to find out if I am actually craving for some me time and here s what I found :

You are on the edge of overwhelm

You are skirting on the edge of overwhelm but it's not too late to bring balance into your life. Rearrange some of the items on your calendar to give yourself some breathing room. Bring in some ‘prairie’ where there are currently ‘city streets’

Note to self : I am gonna be spending a lot of time with you. You had better be fun! :)

Of personal spaces

From when I have been married I have always wondered what the protocol of the spouse with one s friends should be. Is it considered acceptable to take your spouse along when you meet friends or is it something one is supposed to clear with the friends first?

Some of my friends now are actually my hubby's. But even saying that I know that there are some friends of my hubby's whom I don't know that well and am never sure if joining my hubby while meeting them is a good idea or not.

Where do you draw the line between socializing versus intruding the spouse's personal rapport with friends?

Cuckold ('ka-culled')

I recently read Cuckold by Kiran Nagarkar and only just found out it means ' husband of an unfaithful wife' and also that it is pronounced 'ka-culled' and not 'cook-cold' .

I heard of Kiran Nagarkar when he had come to the book club in office to promote his new book The Extras.I have read his other books Ravan and Eddie and The Extras. Although the other books were good , Cuckold is clearly his best work.

There are numerous quotes in the book that are memorable and one of my favorite is the following :
' We were newly married, both madly in love, me with her and she with someone else '.

The book tracks the story of Bhoj Raj,the Maharaj Kumar , the heir apparent to throne of Chitoor and his travails in securing the throne as well as the dilemma in being married to the little saint, Meerabai.

Defining the genre of this book is difficult . It is a good mix of history, fiction, war, philosophy and this is the reason why this book is so intriguing.
Read it if you get a chance!

'Missing sweet tooth'

Cooking is interesting for me only when I like to eat the dish I make. I feel no motivation to make things for others , if the dish is something I don't particularly care to eat. As I type this , I squirm knowing how selfish it sounds. But the truth is that the motivation for my cooking isn't love for another person, more a sense of anticipation for eating what I like.

Am not particularly fond of sweets and I find them laborious to make  compared to savory dishes and hence can never feel motivated enough to want to make them. As fate would have it, my hubby's family thrives on sweets and somehow can't get myself to share the enthusiasm for making or eating sweets with them.

Should I be making an attempt to learn to make sweets for my hubby or should I just be telling him as an equal partner ' I don't particularly care for it but still summoning all my love for you...I will join you in your attempts in the kitchen '?

Wanderlust

Sometimes I feel like I am bitten by the wander-bug and feel an urgent sense to travel - take a vacation, go sightseeing, do all the regular touristy stuff. But at other times I do feel travel is overrated thing.Since it has become so common and what with people putting up pics of every damn vacation they take in their best costumes and the best smiles - I have grown disenchanted with the whole travel thing.It seems like the aim of a vacation is to let the world know you are cool and do "cool" stuff than really enjoying the break.

Maybe I am cynical - even jealous that I don't do any of the cool stuff. But all that I ever seem to want on long weekends is to stay home, snuggle up in bed with a nice book , eat good food and sleep for hours.If a holiday entails doing all this with an infinity pool and mountains surrounding you , then why not... sounds like a perfect fit!

So hubby are you reading this? Take me on a vacation soon with the infinity pool, great food and mountains!

The Art of small talking!

I run into my neighbour I have seen only about 4 times in the last one and half years that I have lived there. I smile, nod to acknowledge his existence. But I cannot chit-chat to ask him how he is doing, how his wife and daughter are and in general express any interest in his life/work as I know nothing about it and with each passing year am losing the drive to even socialise with new people.

This unwillingness to do small talk has been there from when I was young. But of course, as a child/teen you do not over-analyse and you just genuinely interact with people you like and in school and college days - there never was a dearth of people whom you genuinely liked. It is not that I am shy or lacking in confidence, it is the notion in my head that talking about something that doesn't interest me is fake and hence I do not seem to want to indulge in it. But this missing art of small talking is affecting my professional and personal life now. I am perceived as being aloof, too serious, no nonsense kind of person when in reality I would like to believe I am fun loving,extrovert-ish and entertaining person to be with.

Also, another added dimension to my list of woes is the typical "foot in mouth" syndrome.Even at times when I am being all social, I mostly have a moment when I say something and it comes out all wrong. There is an awkward silence and usually I cannot salvage the situation.It is entertaining with friends/family as they know you mean no harm but with strangers in small talk , this can be terribly off-putting.

I once told an acquaintance at work that I want to walk with him on a lonely road! All I meant was there is too much traffic on this street, let us instead walk on a quieter next street.But it came out all wrong and was horribly embarrassed when I saw him squirm at my supposed "pass at him".

What I’ve learned is that I need to trust that others will ask me to clarify what I meant if they took it negatively. I should hope they will consider my character and intent. I should also remember to pause before I speak to think of what I want to say.

Being Boring

Recently was going through my statuses in facebook and found a reference to the following poem :

Being boring - Wendy Cope

If you ask me “What’s new?” I have nothing to say
Except that the garden is growing.
I had a slight cold but it’s better today.
I’m content with the way things are going.
Yes, he is the same as he usually is,
Still eating and sleeping and snoring.
I get on with my work. He gets on with his.
I know this is all very boring.

There was drama enough in my turbulent past:
Tears and passion—I’ve used up a tankful.
No news is good news, and long may it last,
If nothing much happens, I’m thankful.
A happier cabbage you never did see,
My vegetable spirits are soaring.
If you’re after excitement, steer well clear of me.
I want to go on being boring.

I don’t go to parties. Well, what are they for,
If you don’t need to find a new lover?
You drink and you listen and drink a bit more
And you take the next day to recover.
Someone to stay home with was all my desire
And, now that I’ve found a safe mooring,
I’ve just one ambition in life: I aspire
To go on and on being boring.

I thought back in 2008 that this poem truly captures my sentiments. Now, a few years wiser I relate to it even more. I love the first stanza. What with my only passion nowadays being a kitchen garden in a few pots, this succintly captures my response to whats new!

Interpretation of Dreams

I have always been a dawn-dreamer and I usually wake up with an intact memory of the dreams. Sometimes I see multiple ones - all tied together to the sleepy head - but suddenly when I wake up and they don't seem so related. I have a whole repertoire of them - scary, funny , practical , spiritual , professional - but one common feature is that they are narcissistic in nature.The entire plot revolves around me and I am usually the narrator.

Two days ago, I bought a piece of land and I cultivated a pumpkin patch. Last night I had a conversation with my grandmom on life after death. I have been in competitions ( yes.. the reality show types ) where my knowledge and skills help me survive for another week. I am a student back in school, struggling to submit a paper on Indian economy in Hindi. Am an actor playing both the parts of Dhritarashtra and Kunti ( Am aware I am a female lead even in my dreams. I play Dhritarashtra because the actor who was playing him was a pathetic actor). Have directed Ice age 3 where my assistants get me ground nuts instead of a cutout of the acron.

"Dreams are often most profound when they seem the most crazy” said Sigmund Freud . I wonder if mine have some profound meaning.

Endorsement for one of my favourite authors!

I recently read Vikram Seth's "From Heaven's Lake - Travels through Sinkiang and Tibet" and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Being an ardent fan of his, it is natural for me to go ga-ga over any book of his ,but I intend to also explain why I liked this book!

Seth was a Stanford exchange student in Nanjing University when he wrote this book (1983) and the origins of his unconventional journey back to his home in Delhi for the summer vacation was a rather impromptu one – when he, tired of the limiting insights through a conducted tour, broke away from the school party to undertake this extraordinary detour on his own. It is From Heaven's Lake which is a pristine lake in North western province of Sinkiang  that Seth, deserting his school troop, retraces his path all the way back to Nanjing and then to Beijing in eastern China in order to obtain his passport, money, and a Nepalese Visa (which he didn’t eventually need, being an Indian citizen), thus completing a circuitous loop all the way back to Liuyuan, from where he continues further south to Lhasa, then Kathmandu and home to Delhi.

This book is delightful-for there are charming observations and also (as any good travellogue should) gives the reader a beautiful account of the places visited.I particularly like the descriptions of Potola -seat of Tibetian Buddhism and of Lhasa.He devotes a chapter to how the Tibetians deal with their dead which was informative. His interactions with Chinese and Tibetians - Norbu and Sui are particularly engaging. The various modes of transport and the uncertatinity of his next meal/destination adds a certain thrill to the book. In parts he compares life in China with that of India and he too like Pallavi Iyer in 'Smokes and Mirrors' gives the answer that if he were poor he would like to be in China, but if he were well off or even the middle class he prefers to be in India.

From the author of "A Suitable Boy" ,"An Equal Music" and "Two Lives" , this is yet another memorable book although it is of a different genre.

Bottle of water,notepad and pencil on my nightstand

Kira is in her early 50s - still bubbly and exuberant. She is waiting in front of a fancy restaurant.She thinks to herself " I hope he turns up.I dont want to be stood up.Already people in the street are staring at me. It must be this saree I am wearing.It is probably too bling for my age."A few minutes of anxious waiting passes and she sees Joe walking up to her with a big smile on his face. Joe is handsome - all of 28 years - looking stunning in this casual brown blazer worn with jeans and formal shoes.They greet each other warmly and walk in together into the restaurant.

The eatery is full, they need to wait a few minutes before they are escorted to the table which is in the other end. As they walk across hand in hand, Kira sees a lot of women staring at them.She sees envy in their eyes and knows they are all wondering what a handsome man like Joe is doing with her.Kira holds Joe's hand tightly.She needn't have worried.Joe seems to have his eyes on her and isn't looking at anyone else.They order dinner and are having a conversation.Kira leans in and says something to Joe which makes him laugh out loudly. Ah! The pleasant sound of his laughter is heard louder than the clitter-clatter of the use of cutlery all around.Kira smiles.She is happy to have entertained him.All the envious women still give her the dirty look.

I realise this is a dream and that I am Kira.I want to wake up and write down the funny line I told Joe so that I can use it in real life.I wake up stumble around for a paper and pencil and manage to write it down and fall asleep content in the knowledge that my humour will be alive when I wake up!  A few hours later I wake up and search frantically for the paper. I do not find it. Looks like I have lost my chance with a younger guy along with my humour!

Random mutterings!

"A little less conversation, a little more action please..."

We spend most of our lives conversing about daily mundane stuff. What I hate more than the complaining ( which I admit I do a lot! ) is being pointed out that one is complaining.To all those of you who say that - do you really think we dont already know we are indulging in this?If you do not wish to hear, steer the conversation to another direction instead of a blatant "You are complaining. Stop". That angers me more than listening to a dull drone of complaints towards which I aint sympathetic.

Speaking of complaining I found this in a friend's status message :
http://www.howtobemiserable.org - the definitive guide to misery!

I also hear that "True friend is someone who never gets tired of listening to your pointless dramas over and over again - Lauren Conard". So those of you who cant stand my complaining, Lauren Conard doesn't think you are my friend and I am likely to agree!

Partying? Carry sunglasses and stole!

There have been a lot of news reports of raids being conducted in popular pubs in metro cities and all party goers found at these venues being arrested.My two cents on this issue - be prepared to protect your identity when you go partying.Carry sunglasses and a stole to cover your face in the trendy little clutch that matches your dress for the night. The moment the police decide to conduct the raid, the media is already waiting outside with videocameras to flash your face all over national tv.

Ideally, the press shouldnt be there clicking the pictures and thereby forcing all party goers cover their face to protect their identity. It is not a crime to be at a pub if you are an adult.Why indulge in this act of covering your face making you look guilty? Yes- agreed that the media does flash your face with the breaking news that banned substance was found at a rave party.But that does not necessarily mean you were the trader/consumer of banned substances. Cover your face so that your family/neighbours don't know its you. Of course it is shameful to the community that the civilized, well mannered working girl is having a nice evening in a popular pub with her friends. So go ahead cover up - give the society what it wants and so that it keeps wanting more of this so called "moral" behaviour!

Fiction Books - fiction really?

Am Micheal yearning for my lost love and spending my days with my only other passion :Music.

Am Kiki, middle aged- mother of 3- have sacrificed my entire life for my husband - an academic.

Am Maraim- caught in the middle of the Taliban Regime-fighting to raise my son right.

Am Sal - travelling from the east coast to the west in US - drinking,having a gala time.

Am Eddie - trying desparately to be an actor in Mumbai.

I have always been immersed into the characters I read about and I ponder on the dilemmas faced by these characters. I have heard critisicm that reading and immersing oneself in the charcters hinders originality of thought and your thoughts tend to mirror that of the author's. Irrespective of whether I am original anymore, I enjoy being immersed in a world so different from mine!

But with each year I am more critical of the stuff I read and am now not so open to trying something new. I need to research on a book, read a couple of reviews, get a sense of the book and only then do I pick it up to read. My hubby tells me often that I have already decided on whether or not I like a book even before I read it, but in my defense I still do read it and it usually does affirm my instincts.