“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar.
Even after supposedly being settled in life, I still am clueless about what I want from life and have many of the figs that Slyvia Plath talks about.Also with each passing year they are withering away. As a child I wanted to be a psychiatrist and I recall having written a poem about it in class 7.Then later an uncle, who is an astrologer, told me I'll make a good lawyer after seeing my horoscope.I decided then if my stars have destined me to be a lawyer I should try to become one. AllyMcBeal , the show about a corporate lawyer further fuelled this dream.And then came class 12 and I ended up taking exams for many streams -law,engineering,arts,management . After this I guess I stopped worrying about what I want and went with the flow and here I am now a software engineer, not sure if this was even a fig that I wanted.
I am always in a dilemma whether letting things be and going with the flow is a sign of mediocrity-settling for the 'ordinary' or is this what people call stability and inner peace? I can't say I have a burning ambition to be extraordinary, but if I did have some such skills now would be a good time to know it:)
- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar.
Even after supposedly being settled in life, I still am clueless about what I want from life and have many of the figs that Slyvia Plath talks about.Also with each passing year they are withering away. As a child I wanted to be a psychiatrist and I recall having written a poem about it in class 7.Then later an uncle, who is an astrologer, told me I'll make a good lawyer after seeing my horoscope.I decided then if my stars have destined me to be a lawyer I should try to become one. AllyMcBeal , the show about a corporate lawyer further fuelled this dream.And then came class 12 and I ended up taking exams for many streams -law,engineering,arts,management . After this I guess I stopped worrying about what I want and went with the flow and here I am now a software engineer, not sure if this was even a fig that I wanted.
I am always in a dilemma whether letting things be and going with the flow is a sign of mediocrity-settling for the 'ordinary' or is this what people call stability and inner peace? I can't say I have a burning ambition to be extraordinary, but if I did have some such skills now would be a good time to know it:)
5 comments:
You know its just today that i was dwelling in the magnitude of our decisions and quite strangely i picked today to click on ur status msg just to stumble across this... its strange coincidence like this that trumps the core of the thoughts i was consumed in -- Who is "I" ;)
No surprises here: I feel just the same. And the depressing part of it is that I guess most people feel the same and as they grow/age, either find that special something, or much more likely, just come to terms with what is and keep drifting. :-(
i so completely get what you're saying about whether to go with the flow, and about mediocrity and ambition. I'm just the same, always been one to "go with the flow" and do just what allows me to go to sleep peacefully at night. Being an engineer gave me absolutely no "happy-happy", so decided to chuck it after six years. But not to say that I know what I want to do, that seems like another big dark hole right now. Perhaps it's time just try different things and then figure it out. But like I said, just don't think of another person's definition of "ambition" or "mediocrity"; they're all relative terms and you define your own.
:) let me know if you figure out what you wanna do.. Since we are similar..it might just interest me too :) and honestly it's not like anyone s ever told me I am 'mediocre'.. But that's how I feel and unless I do spectacularly well at something ..that feeling is sadly going to remain..
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